Well, I started this blog because of a character in the Neil Stephenson novel The Cryptonomicon. Goto Dengo was a Japanese sailor who survived a shipwreck, the headhunters and jungle bugs of New Guinea, and building a mine to bury Japanese war gold that he was supposed to be buried in as well. After New Guinea, he was recuperating in a mission hospital in the mountains of Luzon. While in the hospital, he had a moment of clarity, or hit rock bottom, or surrendered to a higher power. He realized that the tools that he had for living his life were no longer useful, he was on a different planet now. That is the place I was in when I started this blog.
Now I have gone through that and learned some new tools and started making some new dreams. But it is not always easy being on a new planet. Sometimes you want to go back to the familiar. And unfortunately, people that you love and trust will not always be happy with your new psychologically healthier lifestyle. They are more comfortable working with the old you, instead of a new unknown quantity. But you can't go back to the person you were before; experiences have changed you into something new, you are reborn. It is wonderful but sometimes very difficult and painful. Painful because when you see people acting toward you like you are the person you used to be, you realize how sadly flawed your relationship with them was before. You see patterns of behavior that show that you used to have compatible illnesses. Now that you are getting better, that compatibility is not there.
I am struggling with this at work, and also with a very dear old friend that I made early in adulthood. But I am struggling with both things for the same reason. I used to not listen to my feelings, and not use my words to express my thoughts and feelings. I used to always put other people's accomplishments ahead of my own. A common ailment, and one that leads to unhappiness. Now that I am expressing myself, and probably not very well yet, people seem caught off guard, and threatened. I will get better at it. But they will have to get over it; I will continue to use my words, listen to my feelings, and do something good for myself every day. The three new tools that I have that changed my life. The three tools that allow me to survive on this new planet.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Sunday, April 06, 2008
life is full of Personal Growth Opportunities
Well, it's been an interesting couple of months. There is plenty I could write about, but for now I'll talk about a work situation.
Last week I went back to work while in recovery from The Crud, or what the Brits call The Lurgy, that wonderful winter-to-spring sore throat, fever, sinus agony, congestion, and fever ailment. I had started a project about a year before, and I kept struggling to get traction on it. I had actually gathered my enthusiasm and torn into it many times, but every time I thought that it was done and ready to put into production, I would get feedback with another revision. Tuesday I decided "today is the day" (once again), so I did some final testing, put it in the queue to be pushed out, and pinned down a couple of folks and asked if it was time to ship it. They gave me another revision, and then after looking at my work (for the first time in a year), they gave me a whole page of revisions.
So Tuesday I tossed and turned all night, and in a display of a total lack of maturity, thought about beating the shit out of the guy that gave me a page of revisions. The gall! I had come to the end of my rope. The next morning I felt like hell, I was still somewhat sick and had gotten almost no sleep, and was emotionally totally frazzled. My girlfriend talked me down from the ledge, and helped me spin out of my anger and take a step back. I came to understand that we have a PROCESS problem, and that this is not a personal problem. It's not that people hate me or think I'm stupid or want to torment me, it's just that they have not had their attention drawn to the fact that the current process is a Catch-22, slam your hand in the door on purpose type situation.
This is a big step for me, in the past I have always gotten to this point in my work, and said fuck them, and gone to find another job, feeling totally defeated and destroyed. This time I disconnected from the defeated feelings enough to suggest a new process, and explain (without tainting with frustration) what the problems are with the current process. That was Thursday, and Friday I did not get any feedback. I would have liked to have heard some "you are my hero", "this is brilliant", "you rock" kind of feedback of course. But now I understand; "If you do not ask for what you want, you will surely never get it." So I have explained the problem, and suggested a solution. And if it turns out that it is decided that the status quo is fine, and we don't need a solution, I will not strap grenades to my body and blow everyone into quivering giblets; I will note that the current work environment is not the right environment for me, and look for a more suitable one, with my head held high, and my chest swollen with pride that I Did The Right Thing, instead of suffering in silence.
Last week I went back to work while in recovery from The Crud, or what the Brits call The Lurgy, that wonderful winter-to-spring sore throat, fever, sinus agony, congestion, and fever ailment. I had started a project about a year before, and I kept struggling to get traction on it. I had actually gathered my enthusiasm and torn into it many times, but every time I thought that it was done and ready to put into production, I would get feedback with another revision. Tuesday I decided "today is the day" (once again), so I did some final testing, put it in the queue to be pushed out, and pinned down a couple of folks and asked if it was time to ship it. They gave me another revision, and then after looking at my work (for the first time in a year), they gave me a whole page of revisions.
So Tuesday I tossed and turned all night, and in a display of a total lack of maturity, thought about beating the shit out of the guy that gave me a page of revisions. The gall! I had come to the end of my rope. The next morning I felt like hell, I was still somewhat sick and had gotten almost no sleep, and was emotionally totally frazzled. My girlfriend talked me down from the ledge, and helped me spin out of my anger and take a step back. I came to understand that we have a PROCESS problem, and that this is not a personal problem. It's not that people hate me or think I'm stupid or want to torment me, it's just that they have not had their attention drawn to the fact that the current process is a Catch-22, slam your hand in the door on purpose type situation.
This is a big step for me, in the past I have always gotten to this point in my work, and said fuck them, and gone to find another job, feeling totally defeated and destroyed. This time I disconnected from the defeated feelings enough to suggest a new process, and explain (without tainting with frustration) what the problems are with the current process. That was Thursday, and Friday I did not get any feedback. I would have liked to have heard some "you are my hero", "this is brilliant", "you rock" kind of feedback of course. But now I understand; "If you do not ask for what you want, you will surely never get it." So I have explained the problem, and suggested a solution. And if it turns out that it is decided that the status quo is fine, and we don't need a solution, I will not strap grenades to my body and blow everyone into quivering giblets; I will note that the current work environment is not the right environment for me, and look for a more suitable one, with my head held high, and my chest swollen with pride that I Did The Right Thing, instead of suffering in silence.
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