Hola amigos

Not sure what is happening here. Feeling run down. I have gotten through a couple of weeks of big change and lots of activity. Some turnover at work, changing conditions. Successfully somehow paid for some gifts and surprises for my sweetie's birthday. Studied hard for my network certification test, coming this week. Then last night, Boom! I hit the wall. Had to lay in bed and just kind of daydream, escape.

This year I quit drinking, and while in counseling, started learning tools to help me live my life. I'm much healthier now in many ways. Recovering from codependency is very difficult when it is your nature. The problem is, taking things on myself that are other people's problems leaves me with no energy, time, or resources to take care of myself.

I feel like lately, I have been doing better about not seeking out other people's problems to solve. I used to actively look for something to help somebody with, rather than do something productive or good for myself. What a disease!

Now my issue is that I am always anxious. I'm anxious about things that I'm responsible for, and trying to take responsibility for. I'm anxious about whether or not other people understand that I'm not as available as I used to be for them because I'm trying to save myself now. I think of them, but I'm busy dealing with my own problems.

I'm anxious about performing at work, although I seem to have made that a lot harder than it is. I've worn myself out worrying about how other people feel, wanting them to feel like we are friends, even stopping in the middle of work to go pacify them. But it is my job to do my work, and not to worry about the emotional climate of the whole operation. Whatever state it's in, it was like that before I got there. And as long as I don't make it worse, the rest is not up to me.

There is a big codependent issue with my sweetie. I still have trouble letting her ask for what she wants or needs, instead of trying to think for her. I think she has the same problems. We are both recovering codependents, but neither of us has ever been with someone who wasn't a "user" before. We take two nights off a week from each other. I think it is still necessary for my sanity because I am trying too hard. I am not just living my life, with her companionship. I am trying to control "us", and all I should be trying to control is me. That's all that life requires. Whew!

Lots of stuff going on. Just need to keep untangling the anxieties, and make sure I do the right thing. Like going down to the washer and dryer, and studying for my certification this evening.

Maybe I'm fighting off a bug :) Often a feeling of total emotional and psychological failure precludes some kind of influenza D-Day. Pray for Mojo!

hold on to your hats!

I refuse to comment on how long it's been since I posted, how lame the original posts were, &c. We start NOW.

So, in the past year I have:
Seen Eric Clapton live
bought a 9mm semiauto handgun that I take to the range
bought a paintball gun and played paintball a handful of times
built a badass 64-bit computer
graduated from 10 months of counseling
read 1.1 self-help books
started internet dating
met some nice girls
met a wonderful woman who I love, and see almost every day
have learned about boundaries
have learned about taking care of myself
have learned not to take on issues that don't belong to me
have learned to say "I'm paralyzed with anxiety" instead of just sitting there being paralyzed with anxiety :)
have gone to an Audi track event and ran laps in a 1988 Porsche 924S
have been to Puerto Rico with my new sweetie
saw the Observatorio De Arecibo there - you know, the 1000-ft satellite dish built into the mountains from the James Bond flick
hiked the rain forest
drove a new jeep clear across Puerto Rico and back
my folks moved to Tuscon
my mom has fibro-myalgia, and the weather is helping her
I went to Tuscon to visit them, fell in love with the desert and the mountains, and was visited late at night by a giant Great Horned Owl
More to come :)